The Flag is Torn

Some days are easier than others. Today was a little tough. I wish I wasn't so faulty and so fragile. Things just don't hurt me the same way they hurt other people. I feel and process it all differently. This is one of the few times that I just wish my brain would function "normally".

Thursday Thirteen #12

Mena's Guest Star Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Movies Quotes

"It is...your destiny."
"Beware the moon!"
"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."
"Yes. Doug can read."
"Give him this pen."
"Pay? Bu-ddy?"
"A day may come...but it is not this day!"
"I'll be baaack."
"Give me my Firebird keys!" "You must chill! You must chill! I have hidden your keys! Chill!" "I love you, man!"
"They're singing to that man."
"Ted. Alaska."
"Atlanta!"
"I will take it! I will take it; though, I do not know the way."

Acute...hang on..

A lifetime even as short as mine has been so far that is full of stress, disappointments, and heartache can cause serious weakening of the heart muscles to the point of congestive heart failure and death. Sometimes, like right now, I feel the swelling pain in my chest more than others. I get so nervous that one day I'm really going to die of a broken heart and it's not one person causing this at all.

Like I said, it's what my life has been up until now and sometimes I just want it to be over with so at 3:30 in the morning I'm not feeling empty, alone, and despondent with tingling down my left arm, shortness of breath and searing pain in the left side of my chest.

The smallest, tiniest, most miniscule thing can drag me down 8 feet under the earth and destroy a good night. I wish it were only emotional pain. Now I'm gonna take an aspirin, drink a glass of water, and take a sleeping pill so I can forget for a little while the things that are hurting me so bad.

I will deal with those feelings tomorrow. No, I will. Like I said, it's not any one person. It's not even anyone I saw tonight. Quite the contrary. The vast majority of my friends are reasons I keep holding on. Don't be surprised if I take a little maintenance vacation quietly away from everyone. From literally everyone I know for a week or two very soon. It would be a great thing for me. Trust me.

Thursday Thirteen #11

Thirteen Birthday Thoughts

1. I miss Chase
2. My friends are amazing
3. No birthday sex for me
4. Last night drinking and early classes don't mix
5. I'm old
6. Time really goes by fast
7. Only the good die young, so I have nothing to worry about
8. I want another piece of biddy cake
9. Life's not half bad
10. I don't feel 23
11. Should I be happier?
12. I love everyone in my life right now
13. I'm kinda lucky?

Thursday Thirteen #10

Thirteen Things That Happened This Week

1. Mena is staying in my Apt
2. Snarky said he wouldn't marry her
3. She begged me to stay
4. I'm realized I'm a nice person
5. Chase got me a ticket to go to Cali at the end of the month
6. I stepped on Mena when I woke up this morning
7. She cleaned my Apt while I was gone
8. I started classes
9. Chase sent me his shirt
10. Mena still isn't speaking to Snarky
11. It snowed
12. My bus was on time
13. We went grocery shopping