A lifetime even as short as mine has been so far that is full of stress, disappointments, and heartache can cause serious weakening of the heart muscles to the point of congestive heart failure and death. Sometimes, like right now, I feel the swelling pain in my chest more than others. I get so nervous that one day I'm really going to die of a broken heart and it's not one person causing this at all.
Like I said, it's what my life has been up until now and sometimes I just want it to be over with so at 3:30 in the morning I'm not feeling empty, alone, and despondent with tingling down my left arm, shortness of breath and searing pain in the left side of my chest.
The smallest, tiniest, most miniscule thing can drag me down 8 feet under the earth and destroy a good night. I wish it were only emotional pain. Now I'm gonna take an aspirin, drink a glass of water, and take a sleeping pill so I can forget for a little while the things that are hurting me so bad.
I will deal with those feelings tomorrow. No, I will. Like I said, it's not any one person. It's not even anyone I saw tonight. Quite the contrary. The vast majority of my friends are reasons I keep holding on. Don't be surprised if I take a little maintenance vacation quietly away from everyone. From literally everyone I know for a week or two very soon. It would be a great thing for me. Trust me.
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