The Flag is Torn

Some days are easier than others. Today was a little tough. I wish I wasn't so faulty and so fragile. Things just don't hurt me the same way they hurt other people. I feel and process it all differently. This is one of the few times that I just wish my brain would function "normally".

Thursday Thirteen #12

Mena's Guest Star Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Movies Quotes

"It is...your destiny."
"Beware the moon!"
"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."
"Yes. Doug can read."
"Give him this pen."
"Pay? Bu-ddy?"
"A day may come...but it is not this day!"
"I'll be baaack."
"Give me my Firebird keys!" "You must chill! You must chill! I have hidden your keys! Chill!" "I love you, man!"
"They're singing to that man."
"Ted. Alaska."
"Atlanta!"
"I will take it! I will take it; though, I do not know the way."

Acute...hang on..

A lifetime even as short as mine has been so far that is full of stress, disappointments, and heartache can cause serious weakening of the heart muscles to the point of congestive heart failure and death. Sometimes, like right now, I feel the swelling pain in my chest more than others. I get so nervous that one day I'm really going to die of a broken heart and it's not one person causing this at all.

Like I said, it's what my life has been up until now and sometimes I just want it to be over with so at 3:30 in the morning I'm not feeling empty, alone, and despondent with tingling down my left arm, shortness of breath and searing pain in the left side of my chest.

The smallest, tiniest, most miniscule thing can drag me down 8 feet under the earth and destroy a good night. I wish it were only emotional pain. Now I'm gonna take an aspirin, drink a glass of water, and take a sleeping pill so I can forget for a little while the things that are hurting me so bad.

I will deal with those feelings tomorrow. No, I will. Like I said, it's not any one person. It's not even anyone I saw tonight. Quite the contrary. The vast majority of my friends are reasons I keep holding on. Don't be surprised if I take a little maintenance vacation quietly away from everyone. From literally everyone I know for a week or two very soon. It would be a great thing for me. Trust me.

Thursday Thirteen #11

Thirteen Birthday Thoughts

1. I miss Chase
2. My friends are amazing
3. No birthday sex for me
4. Last night drinking and early classes don't mix
5. I'm old
6. Time really goes by fast
7. Only the good die young, so I have nothing to worry about
8. I want another piece of biddy cake
9. Life's not half bad
10. I don't feel 23
11. Should I be happier?
12. I love everyone in my life right now
13. I'm kinda lucky?

Thursday Thirteen #10

Thirteen Things That Happened This Week

1. Mena is staying in my Apt
2. Snarky said he wouldn't marry her
3. She begged me to stay
4. I'm realized I'm a nice person
5. Chase got me a ticket to go to Cali at the end of the month
6. I stepped on Mena when I woke up this morning
7. She cleaned my Apt while I was gone
8. I started classes
9. Chase sent me his shirt
10. Mena still isn't speaking to Snarky
11. It snowed
12. My bus was on time
13. We went grocery shopping

Nicotine Daydreams

I faught off the urge to gussy myself up and take a new pic earlier. Like, I think I'm a little WAY into my own self promotion on here. Like, I won't lie, I kinda like looking at my own pictures cuz it's not how I look every day and I think I do look nice when I make the effort. Right now I'm wearing a red camo t-shirt and sweatpants and yeah my hair, yipe. No good. I probably have big huge suitcases under my eyes too. I would not want to see me. But you guys dont get to see that me... like 3:41am insomnia me... you're so lucky. Bahhhhh! I'm bitching... that's no fun.

Anyone else sense my incredibly random rambling? Can ya tell I need someone to come over here and either bash me in the noggin to knock me out or shove a funnel in my mouth and start pouring insane amounts of whiskey in it? Right. Whichever. I need some help. There's a $1 in it for you. Any volunteers? Right. I can think of 20 off hand but ya'll are sleeping like normal people right now.

Revenge again. If my body wasnt already asleep the past 3 hours I'd probably be dancing a little in my chair.

Thursday Thirteen #9

Thirteen Thing I Miss About FL

1. My Cats
2. The Food Network
3. My Friends
4. Food
5. Washer and Dryer
6. The Weather
7. Driving
8. Shopping
9. The Clothes I Left There
10. Being on Vacation
11. Sleeping till 8am
12. The Mam
13. S&S

Thursday Thirteen #8

Last Thirteen Incoming Txts 1. Taylor - At @ 7 2. Mam - Do you plan on coming over today? 3. Mam - Hello? 4. Bunny - Call me ASAP 5. Mam - Are you awake? 6. Bunny - Call me I need u 7. Marcy - Im cumin now 8. Chase - I don't no babe 9. Chase - It sucks ill call u l8er 10. Chase - Workin since 8 babe tried calling u b4 11. Chase - R u awake? 12. Mam - I just did 13. Mam - ok Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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Thursday Thirteen #7

Thirteen Things I Hear at The Moment 1. Fans 2. The Trees Blowing 3. A Car Pass By 4. The Fridge Turn On 5. My Cat Scratching Around Litter 6. A Car Door Shut 7. Crickets 8. Paula Deen On The TV 9. My Step-Father Blow His Nose 10. Water Running 11. A Dog Barking 12. A Train Horn 13. A Commerical for Cheese Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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Courtney Love

He said there are two types of people in this world: Those who hate Courtney Love and those who do not.



I don't.



I don't even pity her.




I just accept her.

Thursday Thirteen #6

Thirteen Nice Things About Being Home 1. My Cats 2. A Variety of Stocked Food (Not Only Beans) 3. Cooking 4. Driving 5. A Washer and Dryer 6. Visits With Friends 7. Fighting With My Mom 8. Thunderstorms 9. Shopping 10. Cheap Movies 11. My Lil Man 12. Wearing Sandels 13. Food Network Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Thursday Thirteen #5

Thirteen Things I'm Going to Miss While I'm in FL



1. Chase
2. Mena
3. Snarky
4. The Winter
5. A Decent Internet Connection
6. Bagels
7. My NY Times Morning Delivery
8. Chase's Dogs
9. The Bath Set
10. Driving Around Pretending Gas Isn't Expensive
11. Hanging Out At The Snarkies
12. My Apartment
13. Deli Coffee




Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)


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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Thursday Thirteen #4

Thirteen Things Do for FinalsOlive 1. ENL Portfolio 2. ENL Grammer Assignments 3. SOC SPSS Work 4. SOC Group Assignments 5. SOC Final 6. SOC Urban Paper 7. SOC Oral Report 8. ENH News Report 9. ENH Class Article 10. ENH Meeting 11. ENH Discussion Board 12. ENH Final 13. Sleep? Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Is there...

is there something real bad in the air? Nothing is sitting real well with me. I am exhausted but I can't fall asleep. There's nothing but tragedies floating around in my mind. I could use a hug more now than ever. I am so not being emo either. Ick no. Something real good needs to happen this weekend. I keep cautiously staring up to the sky look for the proverbial anvil.

Thursday Thirteen #3

Thirteen Random Things on my Floor Olive 1. Tweezers 2. Blanket 3. Tote Bag 4. Psych Book 5. Skull Purse 6. Nail Polish 7. Sneakers 8. 3 Gallon Bottle of Water 9. A Quarter 10. Hair band 11. Socks 12. Pants 13. A Penny Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Sleepy times

Tonight I watched The Royal Tenenbaum's for the first time. One of my friends just broke up with his girlfriend and was feeling blue, so I rented it, called him (it is his favorite movie), and made him watch it with me over the phone. He said the idea was stupid but he didn't hang up, I think it was a success. The movie was awesome and I can't believe it was the one Wes Anderson movie I had never seen. I'm a fan of his and had never quite had the time or motivation to see it until now. I recommend it. I think it has made its way among my top twenty all time favorite movies.

In other news, Chase slept over last night. This morning he woke me up close to six this morning by stealing ALL of the covers. So, naturally, I kicked him to give them back, twice. After that failed, I pushed him off the bed. Literally. Afterwards, we were both awake and couldn't go back to sleep, so we went to his house for breakfast. His mom made us Waffles and we hung out with his daughter. Then his brother came to pick her up for an outing in the city and Chase and I went to my house and ordered Thai. It was all very lovely. That pretty much sums it up.

Thursday Thirteen #2

Thirteen Bottled Waters I like 1. Voss 2. Fiji 3. Poland Spring 4. Perrier 5. Finn Aqua 6. Biota 7. Ogo 8. Element H20 9. Penta Water 10. Canaqua 11. Evian 12. Apollnaris Classic 13. Fine Wednesday, November 08, 2006 Wordless Wednesday Monday, November 06, 2006 Feeble days. So, it is definite, Chase leaves for California on Dec. 28th. He called up moving companies on Sat. and got quotes. I was at his house all weekend, I spent some time with his daughter. I'm getting better at the being around kids thing. I feel a little more comfortable about her now. Saturday night, Claire's grandparents (her mom's parents) picked her up to spend the night. So Chase and I said good night to his parents and went back to my place. He told me that he didn't want leave with our relationship up in the air. He wants us to still date while he is in California. He was like, it's not forever, 6 months to a year, he said that there are weekends that he could visit me, phones, mail. He told me after I graduate, I could go and spend the summer with him and Claire. It all sounds very good, but I guess it is something I have to wait and see on. Sunday comes and Chase's mom calls him and tells him he has to come home because she and his dad are going out, and one of his dogs, Benji, was throwing up. We think he ate a plant out something in the backyard. While we were stuck at his house, Chase invited his friend Eric over with his girlfriend. They came over, and everything was going good, until I became very depresed. I went into Chase's room and started crying. Sarah followed me in and I have this habit that I've had since I was a kid, I go into the closet when I cry. Chase knows about it, and now Sarah and Eric know about it. Anyway, Sarah sat next to me outside the closet and cried with me for like an hour. She's having problems too, so we had a very cathartic cry. After, we went back outside with Chase and Eric, and to make us feel better, the guys let us paint their toenails pink. That was pretty much the extent of our weekend. I have a lot of school work to catch up on. Friday, November 03, 2006 Piles of ink Today has been productive. I've gotten into the habit of waking up every hour during the night and finally by 6am, calling it quits on sleep and starting my day. So, today, at 6 I starting reading two weeks worth of NY Times papers that I have been putting off. I got about halfway through before it was time fo me to head to work. Work was busy, I work in the library at a local high school. I had to help the librarians today with their workshop schedule. During period 6 a group of kids ran by the room and threw a donut inside. Have I mentioned that I love teenagers lately? Especially teenagers in the afternoon on a friday? Anyway, after work I came back home and finished my pile of papers. And that, thus far, has been the extent of my day. Now I must write a paper for class and read a bunch of student stories. I am also working on a story that my Professor recommended I submit for publication to a campus magazine so off I go. Chase is dropping by later after work, so I do have that to look foward to. Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) Blog Archive ▼  2007 (19) ▼  May (3) Stoopid Yellow Bird If Thursday Thirteen #18 ►  April (2) ►  March (4) ►  February (5) ►  January (5) ►  2006 (14) ►  December (5) ►  November (7) ►  October (2)